


Awkward first kiss

by Ishbella



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Awkward Romance, F/M, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-12
Updated: 2015-03-12
Packaged: 2018-03-17 11:26:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3527579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ishbella/pseuds/Ishbella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>so i wrote this and now it doesn't fit into my fanfic anymore for numerous reasons, but this is what my inquisitor would have been thinking during the game dialogue of the first kiss scene.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Awkward first kiss

“Cole. Have you seen the inquisitor? I can’t find her anywhere.” Cullen asked rubbing the back of his neck. “I haven’t seen her for 3 days, is she avoiding me?”

“Yes. You won’t find her. She’s very good at hiding” Cole replied. “She’s afraid. Like the bad day in the dark place. You won’t find her, she doesn’t want you to” Cole sighs. “She doesn’t want me to either but she’s so loud it’s all I can hear now. It hurts, her pain crawls through my head like the skittering shadows in the dark place”

“Then I should find her. Where is she?”

“She wouldn’t tell you, even if you found her. She can’t say it. It’s all blocked in her throat like the screams that don’t come out. She would let you think she was sad about her family but the pain would still be there. But I can help, she doesn’t want it, she’ll be angry when she sees me; she wanted me to stay away so I did but she’s so loud now. I’m going to pull it loose” Cole turns to look at Cullen “worrying, wanting, afraid. She doesn’t remember the steps to the dance, what if she makes a mistake, something to lose. “I swore never again!” Not a mage, no abomination but hurt, afraid of magic. You can’t help this” 

 

________________________

 

It’s dark down here, cold and quiet. It’s why she chose it, no one comes down here. When they first came to skyhold a month ago Kiraka had explored every inch of her new home. This is an abandoned library she had found under the main hall, cobwebs were everywhere but she had burnt out all the spiders. Their tiny burnt corpses littered the ground. 

Kiraka sat curled against the bookshelf, knees under her chin. The portable writing table Josephine had given her sat beside her, its candle burnt out and its paper work finished and forgotten. She often took her paperwork to Cullen’s office or to Cole’s corner in the tavern. She missed Cullen. She hadn’t seen him for 3 days now; it was stupid to avoid him when he hadn’t done anything wrong. He was always there, comforting her when she was sad or upset. 

Footsteps in the dark brought back a sudden old fear and then the door opened. 

“You don’t want me, but you shouldn’t be so loud. It makes my head hurt.” 

“Go Cole. I want to be alone.”

“Worrying, wanting, afraid. You killed the man you loved but it wasn’t your fault. This dance is different, not a mage, no pride demon. It doesn’t matter if you don’t remember the steps because he doesn’t know them either.” Cole said coming to crouch down in front and put a hand on her shoulder. 

“Mages hurt him Cole, and I’m a mage. He’s seen the worst of mages and magic. You know it better than anyone” Kiraka yells, bursting into tears.

“Yes, demons asked questions that hurt him, tormented him with visions of what he always wanted but could never have. So much anger, so much fear, regret for what he said and what he felt.”

“Exactly, how can he not see that in me? I’m a combat mage, yes I can heal but that’s now where my talent lies. I kill people Cole, with magic!” 

“So very beautiful: smiling, dancing, singing and always joking, so strong yet so fragile. Jealous of Dorian, what if she wants him instead? Fear when she rides away, maybe this time she won’t come back. Fear: all the more real because he carried you to camp; frozen, bleeding, bruised and half dead. “Why is she avoiding me?” you run away from him because you’re afraid, afraid of the feelings, afraid that he hates you for the magic. Jealousy; bubbling up “does she have to stand so close, why is she smiling at him” “ugh if she giggles again I’ll set her on fire” “doesn’t he realise how handsome he is” “I need to get out of here”. Tried to put a lid on the feelings but they keep breaking out. You want to love him but you’re afraid, afraid he will look at you in fear, like he did in the tower when you first met. Why are you afraid of what you feel? It hurts him that you hide from him”

Kiraka laughs watery, tears running down her face. “Jealousy is stupid but I did so want to set that woman on fire. I don’t know what to do anymore Cole” 

“”his face looks familiar but different. Do I know him?” “Oh maker, I flirted with him on reflex and he smiled at me, how, how do I make him smile more” you remembered him but you didn’t, he told you and you did. You teased him and joked to make him smile even after you said his face would crack because you liked the smile. No circle, no need to be the proper mage, follow the rules. When you told him about your family he comforted you and you fell in love but you lied to yourself and said you didn’t. Why would you do that? The more you know him the more you want him but you’re afraid. Afraid he doesn’t care, that you’re just another mage to him even through you know you’re not. Why are you so afraid? You haven’t feared Templars since they saved you from the dark place on the bad day.” Cole glazes over distracted, rocking back and forth. “Skittering in the darkness, conjure fire, why didn’t I bring my staff, why did I trust her. walk blindly, stupidly into a trap. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Light doesn’t reach the back but I can hear them in the darkness, see the shadows, so many spiders, maker I am going to die.”

“Cole! Stop!” Cole snaps back, his blue eyes coming back to Kiraka’s face.

“Sorry, you dream of them again. You always do when you worry. You worry about everyone but you never let anyone worry about you except for him. You let him worry sometimes because you can’t stop it. Then guilt and you hug him because it makes you feel better. You hide in the dark and dream of the shadows. Talk to him, he’s afraid too but it’s not like when he was in the bubble with the questions. That fear was bad, it made him hate. He’s afraid you’ll never dance again, it makes him sad, he’s afraid; one day you’ll leave and you’ll never come back, he wants to tell you but the words won’t come out through the doubt and the duty. This option was never there for him, foolish to want, so many years since he wanted it. Safe and Solid, protecting and proud. He feels like quiet. Stronger when you hold him. Go and tell him what you’re afraid to say.”

“If I don’t go to him, you’re going to bring him here aren’t you.” it was more a statement than a question.

“Yes. I help the hurt and lance the pain. Hurting worrying until the person makes a pearl of pain. I will shake this loose. You’re too loud now”

Kiraka makes a disgusted noise that would make Cassandra proud and struggles to her feet. “You know I look a mess right? This place isn’t the cleanest hiding hole in the castle.” 

“He won’t notice. He’s greeted your return before when you were covered in blood and gore, clothing burnt and charred and he still thought you were beautiful” Cole looks at Kiraka and tilts his head confused “why are you embarrassed, he thinks it all the time”

“You’re not supposed to tell me that Cole” Kiraka takes a step forward and wraps her arms around Cole’s neck “you’re meddlesome, you always say what hurts and I can never hide from you” she gives him a squeeze and kisses his cheek before stepping back and walking out of the room through the open door. 

Cole turns and trots after her to catch up “how did you say thank you with so many words. I thought it was only two?” Kiraka chuckles as she navigates the passage way that leads up to great hall. 

______________________________

 

Kiraka ended up going to her room to tidy up. She washed her face in the hand basin and recast the magic she used in place of makeup. No one had realised yet that she wore magic instead of makeup, well except for Cole, his comments had confused Dorian. 

Vain as ever Kiraka unbraided her hair to give it a brush. She could feel the cobwebs in it. Once they were removed she re did her hair and looked in the small mirror. Her eyes were a little red but nothing she couldn’t explain off. Ah the vanity of mages she chuckled, it drove Blackwall and Solas crazy. Kiraka changed her clothing and headed down the stairs, lamenting not for the first time that her room was in a tower.

Varric was sitting with Cole in his corner as she passed. He gave her a quick smile and returned to his conversation. She decided to bypass Solas’s room. He was likely to hold her up with a new bit of magic. Plus she needed to think about what she was going to say. Kiraka rarely knocked on Cullen’s door, preferring to sneak in if he was in a meeting and sit in the corner. Everyone was used to her lurking, just as they were used to her hiding. Hiding had always been a game or a means to escape at the tower, though it had often earned her a slight punishment, mostly paperwork. 

Cullen looked up as she entered. He rubbed the back of his neck, a sign she recognised as he was upset, she guessed she had caused it and felt a twinge of guilt. As nervous as she was she stopped at his desk. 

“Ah there you are” Cullen’s voice was neutral, almost determinedly flat. He looked worried. 

“Yes, uhm do you have some time? I thought we could talk. Alone.”

“Alone? I mean of course.” Wariness came into his expression as he walked around his desk and headed for the door that lead to the battlements. “After you, inquisitor” he said as he opened the door and waited for Kiraka to walk through. 

They walked for a while in awkward silence as Kiraka struggled for what she was going to say. Ugh how did Cole talk me into this terrible idea she wondered. Cullen rubbed his neck nervously “It’s a nice day” jerking Kiraka out of her thoughts. “What?” she said in shock and stopped walking. 

“There was something you wished to discuss?” oh maker she thought, he’s nervous and he looks troubled. This is going terribly; maybe I should have just walked into his office and kissed him like I wanted to. 

“Certainly not the weather” Feeling annoyed at her own foolishness.

“I assumed that much” Cullen frowned and shifted his weight. Another thing he always did when he was worried. You can do this, you killed a sodding dragon, just get it out before he walks away. 

“Cullen, I care for you and ah...” Kiraka began lamely before trailing off. Shit. 

A look of concern came over Cullen “What’s wrong?” 

Shit. Shit. Shit. “You left the Templars, but do you trust mages? Could you think of me as anything more?” Andraste preserve me, what in the Maker’s name did I just say?! Ugh I should just throw myself off the battlements before I embarrass myself further. If Dorian ever hears I just said that he’s going to laugh until he pisses himself. 

“I could, I mean I do… think of you. And what I might say in this sort of situation.” Cullen nervously rubs his face and walks a few steps ahead. “I can’t say I haven’t wondered what it would be like.” 

Wait what. Did I just hear what I think I heard? She walks forward to catch up and turns towards him. 

“What’s stopping you?” 

“You’re the inquisitor. We’re at war” he said as he turns to face her. “And you….I didn’t think it was possible” taking a step closer. 

Maker’s breath I want this man. He’s so adorable and he didn’t laugh at me. “And yet I’m still here” 

“So you are” Cullen takes another step forward and his hands come up to rest gently on kiraka’s waist. Sweet maker she could feel his warmth through the gloves. “It seems too much to ask but I want to.” he continued leaning in for a kiss. 

A door opens “Commander”. Cullen takes a step back but he doesn’t drop his hands from her waist. 

Oh maker he was going to kiss me, damned interruption. Please leave, this is embarrassing. Kiraka thinks wishfully, beginning to blush.

“You wanted a copy of Sister Liliana’s report.” the scout walks forward still reading the report in his hands.

Cullen drops his hands from her waist and lets out an agitated sigh. “What!” he growls taking a rather menacing step towards the scout. 

“Sister Liliana’s report? You said you wanted it delivered without delay.” says slightly confused as he looks at the commander.

I wish I could see the look on his face, judging by the scout it must be scary. Kiraka thought. Shifting and looking away trying not to giggle. 

The scout looks from the commander to the inquisitor standing behind him. The commander is angry with him and he doesn’t quite understand why. He sees the inquisitor shift nervously. Oh shit, he thinks, feeling a little afraid, what did I just interrupt? “Or…. To your office……right.” He says nervously as he backs away. 

Why do I feel disappointed? Kiraka wonders. It’s not like I can’t go and kiss him later. “If you need to go….” 

Suddenly she feels his hands on her face and his mouth is crashing down on her. His tongue slides into her mouth starting a surprised groan from her. Oh maker he’s kissing me, like he’s afraid I’ll vanish. She thought, her legs turning to jelly. All too quickly he releases her and steps back his hands still on her face. 

“I’m sorry…that was… uhm really nice.” He stumbled, a slightly smug smirk coming to his face. 

Andraste but I do love that smile “I believe that was a kiss, but I can’t be sure, it’s all a blur” Kiraka says coyly looking up at him. 

“Yes, well” he laughs his hands coming down to her waist as he leans in for another kiss. This kiss is slower and sweeter, not so desperate. Kiraka brings her arms up around his neck threading her fingers through his hair. 

When the kiss breaks she brings her hand to his face and rubs the scar on his lip with her thumb smiling. She sighs; ugh he has work to do. “You have a report to read now. Will you have dinner with me later?” 

Cullen sighs and brings his hand up to cup hers sliding it to his mouth to kiss. “Of course” his eyes cringle in a lopsided grin she can’t see. “Don’t I always.” he says smugly. He drops her hand and walks towards his office still smirking.


End file.
